Oh Happy Day!!!!!!!!

Today was a most awesome day! Not because I worked out my problems or anything, but because a friend's friend helped me reduce my speeding ticket to nothin! HOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fantastic day! I also saved a kid at school. He was gushing blood and I came to his rescue. Okay, okay, it wasn't anything life threatening, but a KILLER bloody nose, shooting out like hose water! Anyhow, besides that, my day was just ok.

Following some advice...

I've received so much advice about how I should handle this weird, emotional, and sensitive situation I've been put in. AND, I've decided I'll take the road not taken. I'm going to ignore it for a while and be distant. I guess if I'm not cool enough to add as a friend on facebook, even though you've added my sister and brother, that I don't have to try when no one else does. It's some insight I received from my sister. I always try too hard. I always want people to like me. And because of that, people walk all over me and at times I let them. I've either been too nice or too opinionated. So now I'm going to be neither. I'm not going to care and I'm not going to try to be an active part in anyone's life. Why am I always the one that calls? Wait, it's cause I'm the only one that cares, not becuase everyone is busy. I am busy too even though Daniel is gone. In fact I"m more busy with church callings, new job, new grade assignment, and three classes, but I still manage to call people. Hmmm....it's a great new way to think and I should have thought of it sooner. It's not because I'm not a nice person. Nope, not it one bit. I've sacrificed and been thoughtful countless times. Now I'm going to put myself in other people's shoes and stop being that person. It should be fun. I don't have to do ANYTHING! Mwhahahaha. I'm going to test it out and see how it feels to not be the thoughful person who cares about everyones feeling and about feeling a part of things. I mean, it'll totally be out of my character, I'm generally nice to EVERYONE, even people who don't deserve it, but this time, I'm not going to be. I'm going to be the icy shoulder. I'm going to stand back from it all because more than anything I'm tired of being the only one who cares about how people are treated and wanting to change it. I'll just do like everyone else and settle it by ignoring it. Maybe it will work for me, especially since it seems to be working for everyone else. I don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I'm a totally blue personality and I want everything to be out in the open and when it's all weird and uncomfortable and no one thinks there is a problem, but me, maybe I'm emotially the problem. So here goes! Here I go, I'll not care. This is me not caring: ZzzZZzzZZZzz :)

Thoughts....

Right now I'm so conflicted. In fact I'm sitting in tears wondering how come the world is full of selfish people? At first I thought, maybe I am too much of an idealist. But as I was preparing a lesson for church tomorrow I couldn't help but think about this situation, I am right. In fact I've put myself in her situation over and over and have concluded that if Daniel's mom or dad had a surprise visit into town and we had a birthday party or something happening I would be more than happy to have them. And I know that Daniel would love to have my parent's join us as well! Maybe I am one of the rare cases of people who like their in-laws, but I hit the jackpot when I married Daniel. His family is awesome and have been so great to me...which is why I also feel so conflicted. I wouldn't ever want my family to treat Daniel the way that I want to treat her... But at the same time I know that Daniel would never act that rude and selfishly. Maybe it's youth, maybe it's just immaturity, regardless of the reason, it's still wrong and it's eating at my heart. I don't want to isolate anyone or be mean, but a part of me wants to. Another part of me wants to be nice regardless of the situation. I mean, if I can be nice to people who made fun of me in my childhood, I can certainly be kind to someone married to a loved one, right? ....maybe. Maybe I'm not ready to deal with this. Maybe I just really want my husband to be home so I can gripe to him, instead of a blog. Who knows? I certainly don't even know my own thoughts, so how can I solve a problem I didn't create? ...not sure...maybe it's not solveable. ...maybe it's doomed to pull my brother away from our family? ...maybe he wants that, which is why he's done nothing to defend our family. ....maybe he loves her family more?? ...maybe he's blinded by "love." Don't know and starting to NOT CARE. Not looking forward to Thanksgiving all of a sudden. Maybe I should stay home and hang out with Simba and eat ice cream...I have some delicious peppermint ice cream in the freezer....hmmm....good ideas... I guess I might never have answers, perhaps I will only have questions...wondering why this? Why? Clearly I'm just upset and that's why I'm having horrible thoughts racing through my mind...when will they stop!? GREAT!? More gray hair.

What the F---!!???!!??

SO, I'm a LITTLE purturbed. A family member of mine got married a few months back and his wife has done very rude things to people in our family (including mostly me). She's transformed him into a completely different person and it doesn't seem to be for the better. Although I have been struggling to get to know her, the more experiences our family has with her, the more I want to run and find him a new wife. It's not fair of me to say who he should love, but shouldn't family love each other?

Today my dad drove from Elko, NV to Salt Lake City. He had forgotten his key to my sisters house and called this family member of mine. He asked if he could come borrow his key. He said that he could come get it, but that at 7pm friends were coming over for Her birthday party and that he'd have to leave. I was a little taken back. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY PARENTS BOUGHT THIS GIRL A $200 NORTH FACE JACKET FOR HER BIRTHDAY!! It's always kinda been a rule in our family to invite family member to functions even if they can't attend...in fact I must admit that most people are like that. However this girl has transformed my brother into a social retard. I must admit I was super ticked off when I heard this. Especially since I had just called this girl to wish her a happy birthday and was putting something in the mail for her. More than anything, I am hurt. I am hurt that my father isn't allowed to be a part of a celebration, when he is clearly family!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO THIS GENERATION OF KIDS!?!?!??!?!? (because that's what they are, KIDS!) I know my parents didn't raise that family member to act this way. I'm shocked. I'm disguisted. I'm pissed. Be mean to me (since she already has), be inconsiderate to my sister (once again, already has), but what the F%@&????!!!!??? An old man wanting to be a part of your life?! That's screwed up. I've tried. We've all tried. What the hell are we all suppose to do when she doesn't try. What would you do?! Need advice......

What a silly dog!

I must admit, so many things have happened lately and I've yet to write about them. However this moment from last night made me laugh so HARD. I nearly fell over!

As I wrote a letter on the dinner table I pushed aside some newspapers. I pushed much harder than I realized because a page flew off the table. It landed ontop of Simba's water dish. This angered him. He stood. He glared at the paper. THEN, here's the kicker, began to growl....starting softly, the growl grew into a loud bark! It sounded like a burgular was sitting in my living room with us! He did not like the paper on his water dish, so I promptly removed it. HAHAHAHAHA...this had me laughing for quite a while. Hopefully it will make you laugh too. Too much, too much my dear ol' doggy.

Days when I hate teaching...

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. And it's ironic that my last post was about reasons WHY I teach when today I just need to vent about moments I absolutely LOVE being a teacher (sense the sarcasm yet?).

This year I've been blessed with, yet again, another challenging class. It's been this way since the beginning of time. I've gotten a large majority of kids who have no faith in themselves, bottom of the class, lazy, bad attitude, scary parents, overly social/lacking social skills, emotionally scarred, you name it! But I completely believe that I was given these kids for a reason. I truly believe that somehow God led them to my room and wants me to do everything in my power to motivate them. However, yesterday I was at the end of my rope....and the knot was failing me, because I could feel myself falling into an abyss of anger and frustration.

As I was falling into this abyss I couldn't help but think, "Wow, today is the first day I've had a student acutlly YELL at me. The joys of teaching, the joys of teaching, the joys of teaching." It happened when an extremely difficult student of mine, who happens to be a pathological liar and kleptomaniac, came walking through the halls when I was suppose to be free of kids. I glanced down at my watch, the time read 3:08 pm. I wasn't imaging things, he was back for me. And of course he should be, because all day he didn't do anything but sit in his seat and ignored the existence of me as a teacher. Sitting and looking at his desk. Sitting and staring at other students. Sitting and staring at a marker. The list could be endless. However that list would NOT include: following directions, participating in the discussion, writing assignments down, participating in practice, etc., etc., etc...... Now you can imagine my head was spinning. It actually wasn't. Not yet. It didn't begin to spin until I saw him that moment after school. He began speaking to me, "Lie, lie. Lie lie lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie. Lie, lie, lie, and lie. Continued lying, lying, and lying." I couldn't believe my ears. His mentor couldn't believe her ears either. Then the next shocker. I guess it never shocked me, so much as confirmed predictions about this child. "YELL! YELL! YELL! YELL Mrs. Jones! YELL! YELL! YELL!!!"

I managed to keep my composure somehow, but I did get a few annoying yells back about how the world didn't hate him. All the students in our class didn't hate him. I didn't hate him. And that he was a nice kid who just constantly made bad choices. He didn't seem to understand and continued with the yelling of "The world is out to get me speech" as I was turning redder and redder and as fellow teachers walked by in disbelief. I was about ready to just walk away when reason hit this child smack in the face. I was "reason," but I didn't get to smack him in the face. Finally this insane child realized I cared about him. Twenty minutes had passed and I could sense more frustration building in my tone. I gently squeezed his hand, made him pledge his life on starting fresh, and walked away.

Walking away made me realize there will be times in my profession when everythign I have done has done nothing. Where I have been utterly unsuccessful and hate it!! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! And although life is full of many challenges, and yada-yada-yada, I hate admitting defeat. My former principal, a very wise woman, always told me that I have to accept that I might not be able to change the world by reaching every child TODAY, that what I do reaches beyond today and into the future. As someone who find great joy in instant gratification, it frustrates me. I am constantly reminded of my inability to succeed and just pray to God that I can do more; that I can be better; that I can love my job and never feel like I did that moment I spoke with this child.

This Is Why I Teach....

Lately I have been wondering WHY I TEACH... I had contemplated all the kids I've made cry because I'm "too strict." LOL-Some actions have consequences... I've reflected on the many nights I've not slept because my lesson plans weren't "perfect." Only to realize that some of those perfect lesssons I spent all night working on were sometimes WAY over the heads of my students. I've wondered why I've spent much of my hard earned money back on my job and the kidsin my class....and why I've spent money on the supplies parents SHOULD HAVE BOUGHTFOR THEIR OWN CHILDEN.... I've contemplated in my mind the argumentativestudents and kids who "know everything." I've gone home crying too many nights because I've felt like nothing I ever do will ever give these kids a chance at a real life.... I've spent countlessnights on my knees in prayer for the kids in my class and ones I worry about at school.... I've been yelled at by a parent. I've been told that I'm assigning "stupid things kids don't need to do," about reading 30 minutes each night. The first twenty minutes of my day and last thirty minutes are the times I'm paid to plan all my lessons for Reading, Writing, Spelling, Science, Math, Social Studies, etc., grade papers, devise plans for struggling students, conference with parents of stuggling students or behavior problems, input grade, print progress reports/report cards, adjust scheduling, adjust classroom seating, map out standards to be taught before the CRT's (the test which AYP is judged), create sub plans, create emergency sub plans.....the list goes on. However, these aren't they reasons why I teach. I teach in spite of these things. I teach for several reasons. The one that sticks out in my mind most vividly is certain rewarding experiences. I'm reminded of why I teach because I saw a former student at Wal-mart. I'll call this kid "Howe" for privacy purposes. When "Howe" first came to me his father walked this petite boy up to me and told me that his child was not smart, he should have a 504, he'll lie, he'll cheat, he's not a good student. I was of course shocked, however since coming to Pahrump this has happened to me EVERY YEAR. This is year four. I replied that I'm sure that "Howe" was going to be an excellent addition to our class and I was excited to get to know him and despite what his father said, I'd heard excellent things about him. The first two months with "Howe" were very painful. He would run in the halls and jump against the walls with his feet and ninja kick them. I would talk to "Howe" every day and remind him of the rules. His behavior did not end there, he would not pay attention in class. His desk was so messy that he couldn't find anything in his desk. He wouldn't turn in his homework. He'd get bad grades on tests. He couldn't answer questions in class. He would get into trouble on the bus and on the playground. He wouldn't even look you in the eyes when you talked to him. Then one day I took him aside. We had a conversation about his future and the conversation ended with a question. What do you want for yourself? He looked me in the eyes and said, "I want to get straight A's.
I want to be smart and be a good boy." I told him, "Then that's what you are going to do." We devised a plan and from October on, he was a changed child. He was a model citizen. He'd do extra homework. He would tell me about books he was reading. He would fold his arms in line. When I would look up when teaching, his eyes would follow me. He had changed and I had helped him somehow. There are many other kids I can think of with similar stories, however this one stands out in my mind because I see this little boy at the store often. And everytime I see him, he gives me a hug. And every time I almost cry. I love that kid. He's going to do something great with himself despite his circumstances. I keep a prayer in my heart for all former students, that they will be successful and make it out of their homes alive. Now if I were to take all the bad things and add them up and compare them with the number of good things, the bad would outweigh the good. BUT those precious, precious moments where you know that you really have impacted a childs life are the moments that make teaching worth it. It's a feeling that's undescribable. However, they are experiences that need to be written down because all the bad sometimes feels like it outweights all the good. It my book, it never will. I will always teach for the kids like "Howe" and the many others I have connected with.

Sooo Much To Post.....Sooo Little Time.....

Chicago was great! I had such a great trip with my sis and mom. We did almost everything that could possibly be done! It was AMAZING! It makes me realize just how much I enjoy traveling! =) Completely looking forward to more trips. I'll post pictures and more stories here later.

School started this week on Monday...and I truly can't believe the week is already over! I've moved to a new school, Floyd Elementary, from Hafen Elementary. I'm also teaching 5th grade instead of 3rd and I must admit, "I LOVE IT!!!" Although I am very worried about my students, I'm thinking 5th grade is a FANTASTIC age!!! I've been busy the last few weeks preparing my classroom and I will soon have beautiful pictures to post. I'm starting the year with half of my class from Hafen. It's so fun having kids I know already. We have bonded and I feel they are really liking my class. I have such sweet kids this year, it's been a blessing. They are sooooo funny though. Today I was carrying about 20 notebooks when I went to pick my class up from lunch. Well, "T" thought it would be nice to help me, so this 3' little guy takes these notebooks out of my hands and attempts to walk with them. As he approached the line, the notebooks crashed to the floor. Luckily "I" picks them all up and helps out "T." "I" begins to ask, "Why am I carrying these books?" I of course laugh and reply that he can hand them to me. In response he scoffs and says, "I couldn't have a young lady like you carrying these down the hall!" Of course in my head I'm laughing...but really thinking, WOW! I hope these kids keep these manners and only get more and more well mannered and thoughtful as they grow.... =)

I also have the opportunity to work with a very special child, who is a kleptomaniac (sp?). It's crazy! He's already stolen from me. I feel so completely violated. But I am learning to forgive. I guess I realize, I really need to forgive this little kid if I ever expect God to forgive me for all the stupid things I've done in my life. I've been especially reflective on my life lately and I'm trying to change. I'm going back to Church. I'm getting new hobbies. I'm trying to be who I thought I'd be when I was 12. Looking at life from a 12 year old really puts things into perspective. I feel I might have been more insightful as a kid than I am now. LOL. And definitely less vain and materialistic. Regardless I am back on the path to finding myself. And the funny thing...well, I guess not funny, but interestingly enough, even though I just spent 4 hours cleaning up after my dog...I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I feel so much peace in my life and I can only hope it will begin to get better. It's like a story I once heard about life. We each are carrying a backpack through life....and every time something happens to us that is negative, we sin, we do something to someone else that is unkind, or we don't forgive, we put a different size rock in our backpack...and on the path to where we go we continue to carry them...if we don't let go and stop those things and forsake them...we will be so weighed down that we can't go any more and our lives become stagnant. I feel like I'm on the road to taking out my stones and I can finally walk forward once again. =)

Anyhow, I'm currently up too late...I've been cleaning up after my poor dog. He had an accident....somehow he ate something that did NOT agree with him and needless to say, I've been cleaning the carpet for the last 4 hours. BLAH! So good night for now....pictures to come, of everything else, not my carpet!

Congratulations Brett and Holly Hoffman!

August 15, 2009
I drove into Elko this afternoon for my friend's wedding. It made me laugh thinking about my friend Holly. Holly and I use to go to the park in the summer and practice being a "hott chick." It's silly, but we would seriously talk about what "hott" girls do and how we need to act that way so we could be the "hott chicks." Yes, I know...I was/am a DORK, but who isn't!? Anyhow, the wedding was BEAUTIFUL and Holly looked so great in her dress! She actually married Brett Hoffman. The funny thing is that they totally should have gotten together sooner, but Lisa (Holly's sister) said that Brett thought Holly was "boring" and Holly thought Brett was too "nerdy." LOL-Funny how things change after high school!

CONGRATULATIONS once again Brett and Holly!! And if you know them, make sure you congratulate them! Love you guys!

Falling down

When life hits you, it usually hits you hard. I've been doing a really good job of staying afloat since Daniel has been deployed. Really, I have. I have had minor break downs here and there, but I have kept myself together. Last week I was starting to really feel like I was making the best of this predicament....however today it just feels like it's all come down on me so hard. The realization of losing good friends who knew Daniel and hung out with him and me....they could always joke with me abotu what Daniel might do in certain situations and they missed him too, so it didn't make me feel so damn alone... BUT now they are in Maryland. And Maryland is so lucky to have them! And in the end I am alone in Nevada with my dog. And I know I'm never really ALONE....it just feels that way. I mean, I have other friends who are wonderful and who have helped me out...it's just this feeling I have...my throat is tight, the walls are falling in on me, my eyes won't stay dry, and my heart literally aches. It aches so much I don't know how I'll get through it, what I'll do...nothing. I have been doing zillions of things to keep busy and find happiness without my love...but I still feel the empty hole he has left in my heart. Life is so fair in so many ways, and I'm not complaining...I guess I'm just begging the Universe for something more...possibly some putty to temporarily fill this hole in my heart? Or maybe even the Earth's rotation to speed up so the next few months go by faster?? Maybe I can just develop more hobbies? I don't really know the answer...I'm at a loss. Sometimes I feel I am losing my faith....but I know it's not God's fault, in fact, I know I am suppose to learn and grow from this...but right now I have that feeling you get if you've ever fallen from a tall tree...and all the wind has been knocked out of you...and at this moment I'm just trying to catch my breath and it feels like I'll never be able to.