Days when I hate teaching...

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. And it's ironic that my last post was about reasons WHY I teach when today I just need to vent about moments I absolutely LOVE being a teacher (sense the sarcasm yet?).

This year I've been blessed with, yet again, another challenging class. It's been this way since the beginning of time. I've gotten a large majority of kids who have no faith in themselves, bottom of the class, lazy, bad attitude, scary parents, overly social/lacking social skills, emotionally scarred, you name it! But I completely believe that I was given these kids for a reason. I truly believe that somehow God led them to my room and wants me to do everything in my power to motivate them. However, yesterday I was at the end of my rope....and the knot was failing me, because I could feel myself falling into an abyss of anger and frustration.

As I was falling into this abyss I couldn't help but think, "Wow, today is the first day I've had a student acutlly YELL at me. The joys of teaching, the joys of teaching, the joys of teaching." It happened when an extremely difficult student of mine, who happens to be a pathological liar and kleptomaniac, came walking through the halls when I was suppose to be free of kids. I glanced down at my watch, the time read 3:08 pm. I wasn't imaging things, he was back for me. And of course he should be, because all day he didn't do anything but sit in his seat and ignored the existence of me as a teacher. Sitting and looking at his desk. Sitting and staring at other students. Sitting and staring at a marker. The list could be endless. However that list would NOT include: following directions, participating in the discussion, writing assignments down, participating in practice, etc., etc., etc...... Now you can imagine my head was spinning. It actually wasn't. Not yet. It didn't begin to spin until I saw him that moment after school. He began speaking to me, "Lie, lie. Lie lie lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie. Lie, lie, lie, and lie. Continued lying, lying, and lying." I couldn't believe my ears. His mentor couldn't believe her ears either. Then the next shocker. I guess it never shocked me, so much as confirmed predictions about this child. "YELL! YELL! YELL! YELL Mrs. Jones! YELL! YELL! YELL!!!"

I managed to keep my composure somehow, but I did get a few annoying yells back about how the world didn't hate him. All the students in our class didn't hate him. I didn't hate him. And that he was a nice kid who just constantly made bad choices. He didn't seem to understand and continued with the yelling of "The world is out to get me speech" as I was turning redder and redder and as fellow teachers walked by in disbelief. I was about ready to just walk away when reason hit this child smack in the face. I was "reason," but I didn't get to smack him in the face. Finally this insane child realized I cared about him. Twenty minutes had passed and I could sense more frustration building in my tone. I gently squeezed his hand, made him pledge his life on starting fresh, and walked away.

Walking away made me realize there will be times in my profession when everythign I have done has done nothing. Where I have been utterly unsuccessful and hate it!! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! And although life is full of many challenges, and yada-yada-yada, I hate admitting defeat. My former principal, a very wise woman, always told me that I have to accept that I might not be able to change the world by reaching every child TODAY, that what I do reaches beyond today and into the future. As someone who find great joy in instant gratification, it frustrates me. I am constantly reminded of my inability to succeed and just pray to God that I can do more; that I can be better; that I can love my job and never feel like I did that moment I spoke with this child.