New Year's Resolutions

Every year I make new goals for the year. I've been thinking a lot about these and here's what I've come up with:

1. Get fit and eat right!

2. Get organized! Reorganize my house until it looks like one of those magazines. =)

3. Do things that will make me happy.

Hooray for the 2010! A time to make a new start (again)! Hip-hip-hooray!

Blue

I'm a wreck. I kept myself together enough for the holidays, but I haven't been feeling like myself. It's so hard with Daniel gone, all I want to do is sleep. But most the time I can't sleep and so I end up feeling like I do today-crappy. I didn't do anything exciting last night, I just got back into town and was so exhausted. I laid and laid and laid until 9am this morning. It is horrible, my head is still feeling the after affects. Anyhow, I just haven't felt like myself all year, I've been so negative, grumpy and completely irrational at times. I feel like it's time to get medicated. Bah-humbug.

Mah-Jong

Tonight was so funny. I played mah-jong (a Chinese tile game similar to rummy) for about 6 hours. At one point my mom thought she won, but she didn't and it was just so hilarious. SHe tried to take a tile and discard one, but in order to win you must have all straights or threesomes of a tile and a pair. It was so funny. My mom was pretty determined she won and didn't realize her error.

Another funny point during the night was when my grandma's feet were underneath the table. I put my feet on top of them and tapped them. She looked at my sister and was kind of freaked out, asking why she did that, then she realized it was me. hehehe.

Oh Happy Day!!!!!!!!

Today was a most awesome day! Not because I worked out my problems or anything, but because a friend's friend helped me reduce my speeding ticket to nothin! HOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a fantastic day! I also saved a kid at school. He was gushing blood and I came to his rescue. Okay, okay, it wasn't anything life threatening, but a KILLER bloody nose, shooting out like hose water! Anyhow, besides that, my day was just ok.

Following some advice...

I've received so much advice about how I should handle this weird, emotional, and sensitive situation I've been put in. AND, I've decided I'll take the road not taken. I'm going to ignore it for a while and be distant. I guess if I'm not cool enough to add as a friend on facebook, even though you've added my sister and brother, that I don't have to try when no one else does. It's some insight I received from my sister. I always try too hard. I always want people to like me. And because of that, people walk all over me and at times I let them. I've either been too nice or too opinionated. So now I'm going to be neither. I'm not going to care and I'm not going to try to be an active part in anyone's life. Why am I always the one that calls? Wait, it's cause I'm the only one that cares, not becuase everyone is busy. I am busy too even though Daniel is gone. In fact I"m more busy with church callings, new job, new grade assignment, and three classes, but I still manage to call people. Hmmm....it's a great new way to think and I should have thought of it sooner. It's not because I'm not a nice person. Nope, not it one bit. I've sacrificed and been thoughtful countless times. Now I'm going to put myself in other people's shoes and stop being that person. It should be fun. I don't have to do ANYTHING! Mwhahahaha. I'm going to test it out and see how it feels to not be the thoughful person who cares about everyones feeling and about feeling a part of things. I mean, it'll totally be out of my character, I'm generally nice to EVERYONE, even people who don't deserve it, but this time, I'm not going to be. I'm going to be the icy shoulder. I'm going to stand back from it all because more than anything I'm tired of being the only one who cares about how people are treated and wanting to change it. I'll just do like everyone else and settle it by ignoring it. Maybe it will work for me, especially since it seems to be working for everyone else. I don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I'm a totally blue personality and I want everything to be out in the open and when it's all weird and uncomfortable and no one thinks there is a problem, but me, maybe I'm emotially the problem. So here goes! Here I go, I'll not care. This is me not caring: ZzzZZzzZZZzz :)

Thoughts....

Right now I'm so conflicted. In fact I'm sitting in tears wondering how come the world is full of selfish people? At first I thought, maybe I am too much of an idealist. But as I was preparing a lesson for church tomorrow I couldn't help but think about this situation, I am right. In fact I've put myself in her situation over and over and have concluded that if Daniel's mom or dad had a surprise visit into town and we had a birthday party or something happening I would be more than happy to have them. And I know that Daniel would love to have my parent's join us as well! Maybe I am one of the rare cases of people who like their in-laws, but I hit the jackpot when I married Daniel. His family is awesome and have been so great to me...which is why I also feel so conflicted. I wouldn't ever want my family to treat Daniel the way that I want to treat her... But at the same time I know that Daniel would never act that rude and selfishly. Maybe it's youth, maybe it's just immaturity, regardless of the reason, it's still wrong and it's eating at my heart. I don't want to isolate anyone or be mean, but a part of me wants to. Another part of me wants to be nice regardless of the situation. I mean, if I can be nice to people who made fun of me in my childhood, I can certainly be kind to someone married to a loved one, right? ....maybe. Maybe I'm not ready to deal with this. Maybe I just really want my husband to be home so I can gripe to him, instead of a blog. Who knows? I certainly don't even know my own thoughts, so how can I solve a problem I didn't create? ...not sure...maybe it's not solveable. ...maybe it's doomed to pull my brother away from our family? ...maybe he wants that, which is why he's done nothing to defend our family. ....maybe he loves her family more?? ...maybe he's blinded by "love." Don't know and starting to NOT CARE. Not looking forward to Thanksgiving all of a sudden. Maybe I should stay home and hang out with Simba and eat ice cream...I have some delicious peppermint ice cream in the freezer....hmmm....good ideas... I guess I might never have answers, perhaps I will only have questions...wondering why this? Why? Clearly I'm just upset and that's why I'm having horrible thoughts racing through my mind...when will they stop!? GREAT!? More gray hair.

What the F---!!???!!??

SO, I'm a LITTLE purturbed. A family member of mine got married a few months back and his wife has done very rude things to people in our family (including mostly me). She's transformed him into a completely different person and it doesn't seem to be for the better. Although I have been struggling to get to know her, the more experiences our family has with her, the more I want to run and find him a new wife. It's not fair of me to say who he should love, but shouldn't family love each other?

Today my dad drove from Elko, NV to Salt Lake City. He had forgotten his key to my sisters house and called this family member of mine. He asked if he could come borrow his key. He said that he could come get it, but that at 7pm friends were coming over for Her birthday party and that he'd have to leave. I was a little taken back. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY PARENTS BOUGHT THIS GIRL A $200 NORTH FACE JACKET FOR HER BIRTHDAY!! It's always kinda been a rule in our family to invite family member to functions even if they can't attend...in fact I must admit that most people are like that. However this girl has transformed my brother into a social retard. I must admit I was super ticked off when I heard this. Especially since I had just called this girl to wish her a happy birthday and was putting something in the mail for her. More than anything, I am hurt. I am hurt that my father isn't allowed to be a part of a celebration, when he is clearly family!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO THIS GENERATION OF KIDS!?!?!??!?!? (because that's what they are, KIDS!) I know my parents didn't raise that family member to act this way. I'm shocked. I'm disguisted. I'm pissed. Be mean to me (since she already has), be inconsiderate to my sister (once again, already has), but what the F%@&????!!!!??? An old man wanting to be a part of your life?! That's screwed up. I've tried. We've all tried. What the hell are we all suppose to do when she doesn't try. What would you do?! Need advice......

What a silly dog!

I must admit, so many things have happened lately and I've yet to write about them. However this moment from last night made me laugh so HARD. I nearly fell over!

As I wrote a letter on the dinner table I pushed aside some newspapers. I pushed much harder than I realized because a page flew off the table. It landed ontop of Simba's water dish. This angered him. He stood. He glared at the paper. THEN, here's the kicker, began to growl....starting softly, the growl grew into a loud bark! It sounded like a burgular was sitting in my living room with us! He did not like the paper on his water dish, so I promptly removed it. HAHAHAHAHA...this had me laughing for quite a while. Hopefully it will make you laugh too. Too much, too much my dear ol' doggy.

Days when I hate teaching...

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. And it's ironic that my last post was about reasons WHY I teach when today I just need to vent about moments I absolutely LOVE being a teacher (sense the sarcasm yet?).

This year I've been blessed with, yet again, another challenging class. It's been this way since the beginning of time. I've gotten a large majority of kids who have no faith in themselves, bottom of the class, lazy, bad attitude, scary parents, overly social/lacking social skills, emotionally scarred, you name it! But I completely believe that I was given these kids for a reason. I truly believe that somehow God led them to my room and wants me to do everything in my power to motivate them. However, yesterday I was at the end of my rope....and the knot was failing me, because I could feel myself falling into an abyss of anger and frustration.

As I was falling into this abyss I couldn't help but think, "Wow, today is the first day I've had a student acutlly YELL at me. The joys of teaching, the joys of teaching, the joys of teaching." It happened when an extremely difficult student of mine, who happens to be a pathological liar and kleptomaniac, came walking through the halls when I was suppose to be free of kids. I glanced down at my watch, the time read 3:08 pm. I wasn't imaging things, he was back for me. And of course he should be, because all day he didn't do anything but sit in his seat and ignored the existence of me as a teacher. Sitting and looking at his desk. Sitting and staring at other students. Sitting and staring at a marker. The list could be endless. However that list would NOT include: following directions, participating in the discussion, writing assignments down, participating in practice, etc., etc., etc...... Now you can imagine my head was spinning. It actually wasn't. Not yet. It didn't begin to spin until I saw him that moment after school. He began speaking to me, "Lie, lie. Lie lie lie lie lie, lie lie lie lie lie. Lie, lie, lie, and lie. Continued lying, lying, and lying." I couldn't believe my ears. His mentor couldn't believe her ears either. Then the next shocker. I guess it never shocked me, so much as confirmed predictions about this child. "YELL! YELL! YELL! YELL Mrs. Jones! YELL! YELL! YELL!!!"

I managed to keep my composure somehow, but I did get a few annoying yells back about how the world didn't hate him. All the students in our class didn't hate him. I didn't hate him. And that he was a nice kid who just constantly made bad choices. He didn't seem to understand and continued with the yelling of "The world is out to get me speech" as I was turning redder and redder and as fellow teachers walked by in disbelief. I was about ready to just walk away when reason hit this child smack in the face. I was "reason," but I didn't get to smack him in the face. Finally this insane child realized I cared about him. Twenty minutes had passed and I could sense more frustration building in my tone. I gently squeezed his hand, made him pledge his life on starting fresh, and walked away.

Walking away made me realize there will be times in my profession when everythign I have done has done nothing. Where I have been utterly unsuccessful and hate it!! HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! And although life is full of many challenges, and yada-yada-yada, I hate admitting defeat. My former principal, a very wise woman, always told me that I have to accept that I might not be able to change the world by reaching every child TODAY, that what I do reaches beyond today and into the future. As someone who find great joy in instant gratification, it frustrates me. I am constantly reminded of my inability to succeed and just pray to God that I can do more; that I can be better; that I can love my job and never feel like I did that moment I spoke with this child.

This Is Why I Teach....

Lately I have been wondering WHY I TEACH... I had contemplated all the kids I've made cry because I'm "too strict." LOL-Some actions have consequences... I've reflected on the many nights I've not slept because my lesson plans weren't "perfect." Only to realize that some of those perfect lesssons I spent all night working on were sometimes WAY over the heads of my students. I've wondered why I've spent much of my hard earned money back on my job and the kidsin my class....and why I've spent money on the supplies parents SHOULD HAVE BOUGHTFOR THEIR OWN CHILDEN.... I've contemplated in my mind the argumentativestudents and kids who "know everything." I've gone home crying too many nights because I've felt like nothing I ever do will ever give these kids a chance at a real life.... I've spent countlessnights on my knees in prayer for the kids in my class and ones I worry about at school.... I've been yelled at by a parent. I've been told that I'm assigning "stupid things kids don't need to do," about reading 30 minutes each night. The first twenty minutes of my day and last thirty minutes are the times I'm paid to plan all my lessons for Reading, Writing, Spelling, Science, Math, Social Studies, etc., grade papers, devise plans for struggling students, conference with parents of stuggling students or behavior problems, input grade, print progress reports/report cards, adjust scheduling, adjust classroom seating, map out standards to be taught before the CRT's (the test which AYP is judged), create sub plans, create emergency sub plans.....the list goes on. However, these aren't they reasons why I teach. I teach in spite of these things. I teach for several reasons. The one that sticks out in my mind most vividly is certain rewarding experiences. I'm reminded of why I teach because I saw a former student at Wal-mart. I'll call this kid "Howe" for privacy purposes. When "Howe" first came to me his father walked this petite boy up to me and told me that his child was not smart, he should have a 504, he'll lie, he'll cheat, he's not a good student. I was of course shocked, however since coming to Pahrump this has happened to me EVERY YEAR. This is year four. I replied that I'm sure that "Howe" was going to be an excellent addition to our class and I was excited to get to know him and despite what his father said, I'd heard excellent things about him. The first two months with "Howe" were very painful. He would run in the halls and jump against the walls with his feet and ninja kick them. I would talk to "Howe" every day and remind him of the rules. His behavior did not end there, he would not pay attention in class. His desk was so messy that he couldn't find anything in his desk. He wouldn't turn in his homework. He'd get bad grades on tests. He couldn't answer questions in class. He would get into trouble on the bus and on the playground. He wouldn't even look you in the eyes when you talked to him. Then one day I took him aside. We had a conversation about his future and the conversation ended with a question. What do you want for yourself? He looked me in the eyes and said, "I want to get straight A's.
I want to be smart and be a good boy." I told him, "Then that's what you are going to do." We devised a plan and from October on, he was a changed child. He was a model citizen. He'd do extra homework. He would tell me about books he was reading. He would fold his arms in line. When I would look up when teaching, his eyes would follow me. He had changed and I had helped him somehow. There are many other kids I can think of with similar stories, however this one stands out in my mind because I see this little boy at the store often. And everytime I see him, he gives me a hug. And every time I almost cry. I love that kid. He's going to do something great with himself despite his circumstances. I keep a prayer in my heart for all former students, that they will be successful and make it out of their homes alive. Now if I were to take all the bad things and add them up and compare them with the number of good things, the bad would outweigh the good. BUT those precious, precious moments where you know that you really have impacted a childs life are the moments that make teaching worth it. It's a feeling that's undescribable. However, they are experiences that need to be written down because all the bad sometimes feels like it outweights all the good. It my book, it never will. I will always teach for the kids like "Howe" and the many others I have connected with.